The Deception of Bi-Polar – Welcome to Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde.

“How do you feel”, I am often asked. And I answer ‘I’m fine’, because that is what is expected. I think we regularly ask people how they are feeling without ever wanting anything more than a ‘fine’ answer. That would mean opening a real dialogue that perhaps we may not really want to start. So we all ask the question of each other and we all answer ‘fine’ to the question asked of us, irrespective of the veracity of the statement itself.

The truth is, being bi-polar is like having a split personality. It is living a life of chronically fluctuating emotions, not knowing sometimes what each day will bring; in Forest Gumps’ succinct words “life is like a box of chocolates, you’re never sure what you’re gonna get! That’s how it is for me some days. I never know what way I will be when I wake up, or how that day will pan out. Will I be even and relaxed, will I be frantic and slightly mad (my own view of myself), or will I be so down, I don’t even want to get up, preferring instead to just pull the covers back over my head and wait for tomorrow?

Even with my meds, I swing; they are not as ‘violently oscillating’ as they would be were I not medicated at all, but it is still discernable if I look hard enough – yet manageable most of the time.

I suppose what I have learned most of all over the last two decades is that because of my being a rapid cycler, the mood high or low doesn’t last too long, so I just roll with it, as best I can. Normally that is good enough, but sometimes it’s not.

The last eight months are a case in point. It’s been eight months since I was diagnosed with depression, but according to Dr ‘PC’ , (who is my savior for sure), the bout of unrelated standalone depression has started my bi-polar swinging again. So that is what I have been feeling in the last few weeks (aside from and as well as the depression).

This seesaw of emotions, from high to low, from angry to sad, from morose to manic is the result. I can’t remember the last time I felt this unbalanced. But looking back at my blogs of even just the last two months, it is quite easy to see the swings.

I’ve said it before, to live with anyone struggling with a mental illness must take some kind of amazingness! To live ‘with it’ takes more courage than those who don’t struggle will ever know. To a degree my bipolar defines who I am, because it takes so much strength just to be an active and ‘normal’ member of society. To a degree I am the ‘me’ I am in spite of and because of my bi-polar. I often wonder what type of person I would be if I didn’t struggle with this illness. What would I have accomplished without the highs and lows that have plagued my life? What type of mother would I have been, were it not for the highs and lows? What type of wife would I have been, without hubby having to deal with a manic depressive half the time? But what ifs’ serve no purpose other than to make me feel a failure and I am not a failure. I may be Dr Jekyll and then Mrs Hyde from month to month or time to time, but my struggle has left me very aware of my own and others’ feelings as a result. I am in touch with them in a way those who don’t deal with a mental illness perhaps are not. That is because I have to be. I have to be vigilant, ever watchful of any excess and because of that, I can recognize in others, their emotions. It makes me very empathic and that empathy has helped me in my life in more ways than it has hurt me. But it is a high price to pay for empathy. So where there is disadvantage, there is also advantage. Welcome to the world of the bi-polar. Welcome to the world of Jekyll and Hyde; welcome to my world.

Stephen Fry – A very Brave Man.

Stepen Fry –  A very brave man.

It has been reported in the media within the last few days, that Stephen Fry became so depressed last year he tried to take his own life.  For those of you who don’t know who this is, Stephen John Fry is an English actor, screenwriter, author, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television and radio presenter, film director and activist, One of the ‘stand out’ phrases from his interview where he admitted to doing the unthinkable was that ‘There is no reason for it, were there a reason, you can be talked out of it’.  I have to applaud the bravery of the man in allowing this to become a talking point throughout the world’s media.   It has been known for some time that Stephen suffers from bi-polar, a debilitating form of depression which affects ones whole life and all the relationships within it.  It takes a particular type of courageousness to admit to trying to end your own life and allow that act to become a talking point for sound bites and pithy responses.  What it also does do however, for thousands of people who struggle with bi-polar, is bring the topic into the light of day where the right information can get out there into the world without historical stigma being attached to it…

Many people, who deal with depression as a daily part of their life, do so in silence because of the embarrassment the condition causes either them or their family.   I know a bit about this because I am bi-polar myself.  When I was first diagnosed following the birth of my first child, my attitude was very much this is something I need to tackle, get treatment for and yes, talk about.  I have no problem admitting I struggle with depression and there are times, despite the medication, I still have periods of misery or euphoria, depending on the swing!  But my family was not as ready to announce to the world they had a member who was ‘mentally ill’.  I was asked not to tell anyone, to keep it to myself and the basis for this was it would somehow affect how people view me.  It could alter other people’s opinion of me and I may fall in their estimation.  My answer to that was simple:  if the fact I have a condition I am not responsible for, I can do nothing much about and cannot get better from alters someone’s attitude of me, then perhaps they are not worthy of my friendship or respect in the first place.  I know I can’t unring that bell once I tell those around me that I have depression, but I also believe that staying quiet, pretending I don’t have it and leaving my actions and reactions open to misinterpretation is the worst thing to do.  For me it means my mood swings are viewed in the proper light; it’s not necessarily me being a bitch on a day that I am really down, it’s just that I’m having a really bad day!  Of course, having bi-polar disorder is not a justification for bad behaviour either and sometimes it can be an easy excuse.  There are days all of us can get up out of the wrong side of the bed and go through our day just ‘in a bad mood’.  Whereas those days however, most people are in control of their own mood, someone like me who struggles with bi-polar may not even realise they are not only miserable themselves but making everyone around them miserable too.  It’s not a defence, but it is an explanation.  When I fly off the handle however at someone where that behaviour is certainly not justified, I am quick to apologise when my mood has stabilised.  This normally happens when I am in the euphoria stage of bi-polar.  For me this is the hardest to combat.  After nineteen years, my husband has become very adept at spotting the warning signs and realising very quickly when I am in a cycle and need to take time out.  He is very good at taking over the household when this happens and for that I will be eternally grateful.  For many years, before I was stabilised on the medication I still take daily, his life, as well as mine, was miserable.  I am sure coming home to me when I was at home with the kids was not a very pleasurable exercise for him, but despite the agony and the cheerless life we had for a few years, he stuck it out and supported me every step of the way.  I’m not an easy person to live with when I’m not well but I recognise that fact and thankfully I am relatively stable and have been for years.  I still have swings, but not anything like as bad as before I was medicated.  My particular mood disorder is termed a ‘rapid cycler’, which means instead of months of depression and elation, I can swing daily between the two, or the swings can last for a few weeks at a time.  That see-sawing of emotions is hard to deal with and does make you question your quality of life.  I can’t speak for anyone else but myself but there are times when you feel so despondent that anything seems better than your quality of life at that time.  As Stephen so succinctly put it, there is no reason why you feel this way, you just do.  I have had people tell me to ‘snap out of it’ or pull myself together, or stop letting (whatever) bother me, but it’s not that simple.  Trying to explain that to someone who has never struggled with clinical depression however is like trying to explain why you can’t stop breathing.  You just can’t!  It is part of your makeup, an involuntary programmed response that you are not in control of in any way, shape or form.  Even trying to stop breathing doesn’t work because it just doesn’t!! 

I firmly believe it is not the good times in our life that define who we are; it is the trials and tribulations we face and come through, that tests our real mettle.  I am who I am because of and perhaps also in spite of my bi-polar.  I work very hard to be well every day, I work very hard to be deserving of the support of those closest to me and I surround myself with people who not only understand but can see past my illness.  Because I am worthy, I am I hope a good person and I am also bi-polar.