Depression/Bipolar Disorder makes you FAT!

Yeah – there is nothing like an over-sensationalized headline to grab the auld attention! But, despite my joviality, I am thoroughly depressed and completely rotund! Think Mrs. Clause corpulent and you probably have a good idea of what it is like to try to fit into my clothes, to look in my mirror and see me looking back and be so utterly disheartened that you can almost feel yourself giving up on the spot. Welcome to my world. Welcome to the world of where I am now. And how in high heaven did I end up here?

Depression makes you fat say some experts, while others say that the obesity comes first, then comes the depression. No, it’s the medications for depression say even more surveys. And then there are the experts who say that it is a combination of perhaps all three; you get depressed, then fat, then take meds and get even more fat! Yipee, what a wonderful merry-go-round we have.
Whatever the reason, obesity is not a good thing under normal circumstances for anyone. But combine that with the crippling low self-esteem that is part and parcel of bipolar disorder (or any depression) and you end up with a very bad cocktail altogether.
Does Depression Cause Weight Gain or Weight Loss? What’s the Depression/Weight Connection?.
Obesity, Genetics, Depression and Weight Loss | Psych Central.

I have never lost weight when I struggled with an ‘active’ phase of my bipolar, active here for the uninitiated means that I am actively depressed – or actively breathing. (To me, sometimes they are one and the same.) I’m not one of those people who can’t/don’t eat at all and can lose like 40 lbs in a month; but wow, what that would do for my self esteem!! For me it is almost the opposite; I can’t stop eating.

I comfort eat, I stuff biscuit after biscuit into my mouth and I don’t even taste them. It is a reflex – an urgent ‘need’ almost. I need carbs, and lots of them. Sometimes I can find myself eating without even remembering going to the press and getting the ‘food’ – now that is FUBAR. If it is not biscuits, it is crisps, or popcorn, or whatever is handy; crackers will do just as fine, or an open box of any type of breakfast cereal. It is the act of eating, not necessarily what I am eating, that is the big issue. Sometimes I do it in secret but I would do/will do it all day long. And then I become just enormous. There is no other way of saying it. Clothes get tighter and I will not quite waddle around the house, but I certainly don’t spring on light footsteps either. I am awkward, bulky and clumsy. I have to wear what I term ‘sloppy’ clothes because that is all that will fit and of course, they don’t do anything for that image in the mirror either. They are shapeless, predominantly black and sometimes just downright ‘ugly’.  And I hate myself for it. Of course then there is the shuddering-to-a standstill-libido as a result of the obesity/depression/medication/crushing-lack-of
–self-esteem, but no one seems to want to discuss that. So I will mention it in passing only and leave it at that. Except that it is a big deal – it is a big deal for me. Sex drive for all of us is natural. So when it gets up and leaves, it is a big deal. (‘nuff said….)
Depression: Effects on Your Sex Life and How to Increase Libido.

I know all the things I should be doing… I know that I should eat healthily, take plenty of exercise, play with my pet, cut down on carbs, fat and sugars, oh, and stop drinking caffine (well, now that is never going to happen!!), get enough sunlight, (I can’t control the sun, or the seasons, or the lack of sunlight when it’s supposed to be summer – but I could get a light box!), make time for relaxation, do something creative just for me, take time for myself, all the stuff I about and haven’t fitted into my days. I don’t do things just for me (except this blog; that is just for me).   I only have a three legged cat, so she’s a bit limited on the walk end of things and anyway, I can’t really take a cat out for a walk – but if I could that would get me my fresh air and my playtime with a pet in one go.
But I could do lots of other things to help myself – I just need to get myself motivated…. Which brings me right back to almost square one…. Depression robs me of that, before I take my first step out of my bed every morning…………

It is NOT okay to take your own life……

I was on a train on Friday afternoon, something I haven’t done in years. And it was full of university students on their way home for the weekend. I sat at a table alongside three of these students, one to the side of me and two facing me. I put on my ipod and I tried to drown out the clackty clack sound of the train and the din of the voices as people chatted and laughed.

I was absolutely amazed at the confidence of those three girls. One sat there with her laptop and typed notes (I presume), while the two facing me talked about their lecturers and other students at the university and what they would do this weekend. They oozed self-confidence. It seemed to just come from their pores, from the inside out. Their faces were animated, they gestured with their hands and they were alive – so alive….

I don’t remember being like that at their age, but I am sure I was at some point; that almost ‘cocky’ self-confidence that is the preserve of the young (and sometimes the not so young!!). It’s almost like an ignorance of the trials of life and what can come your way and because you haven’t been visited by the ‘school of hard knocks yet’, you are exuding poise and trust and belief in oneself.

My daughter had to go to a funeral on Saturday. One of her school pals had taken her own life; she was 16. There are probably many reasons for this and it is information no-one will be privy to now. Her boyfriend who had recently broken up with her sat like a statue at the back of the church and none of them quite knew what to say to him. He didn’t engage, he didn’t speak and left after the ceremony. My daughter didn’t know the girl very well and while she was upset, she wasn’t devastated. On Sunday morning, she came into my bedroom and said she NEEDED to go to her friends house; now! When I asked her what was up, she said the young chap had been found dead that morning (Sunday). He too had taken his own life. There will be no explanation for his parents either… What is glaringly obvious is two families are now in tatters. My daughter knew the chap. She had just finished school with him. They had just been to their graduation ball a few weeks prior. When I looked at the devastation this has caused and then juxtaposition that to the confidence and the poise of the girls on the train, it just breaks my heart. Nothing stays the same. Things change, circumstances change, life happens! It can get worse, for sure, but it can also get better.

It makes me realize how precious life is, how fleeting it can be and how nothing will stay the same. We are the sum of our experiences, we live with our mistakes but we learn from them. We rejoice in our triumphs and celebrate our uniqueness. But nothing stays the same.  I have tried to tell my children this over the last few days; reinforcing the message that things pass, things change and no matter how bad or sad they feel, I am here always; to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be their most ferocious supporter and the one who offers unconditional love. I needed them to know it’s not okay to give up, that the devastation that any action causes will ripple out and leave those who love them in a very bad place for perhaps a very long time. I made them promise that if they ever felt so bad they might do something stupid, that they would come to me. I just hope they have listened.

Stress then swing, or swing then stress??

Stress and Bi-polar; is there a way to avoid swings?

Okay, so I am writing this for myself; To clarify everything I have read in the last few days about ‘de-stressing’ my life and learning to cope with the swings, paying particular attention to my ‘stressors’.

But the truth is, even after 20 years, I only know a few of them. Stress is one of them. I know the stress of my job nearly killed me. I worked in a wonderful office environment, where we had great fun as work colleagues, but the stress of the ‘actual work’ was horrendous. I didn’t cope well at all. Luckily, I worked alongside himself so when I was having a reaaaaallly bad day, I’d get up from my desk, put on my coat and leave with no explanation necessary. I was really lucky. But when the stress of the job got so much I considered sending the car under a truck just so I wouldn’t have to go to work, I knew I was in big trouble.

So yes, work was a huge stressor for me. But I’ve not been working for the past eight months and I still find myself rapidly swinging between depression and mania. Granted it’s not as bad as it was back a few months ago, but I have no work stress now?

I read an article on this very subject and it said that people with bi-polar disorder are seven or eight times more likely to develop a ‘decompensation’ (wonderful description!!) in response to a stressful life event.

It went on to list the life events I am familiar with; family rows, marriage problems, the birth of a baby, the death of a close relative or friend, job loss, financial worries and so on.   But I have to ask the question; are some of these situations caused by the bipolar or are they a stressor; what comes first?

Obviously the usual suspects of a death or a birth are understandable, a death can bring tremendous grief and a birth while a glorious event can be followed by post partum depression as was my trigger.

But rows in our house are because of my stress levels and not a resulting factor of them. (Mind you, they are not as prevalent as they were years ago, but I do still cause a lot.) I know it takes two to tango, but himself is a long suffering spouse of an eternal pessimist, not because of who I am, but because of what bi-polar has turned me into. I spend half my life weighing up options and always coming up with the ‘yes but what if….’

I don’t do change well. I find it hard to cope with new situations and while I AM not a shy person, I find it hard to meet new people. Completely contradictory I know, but there you have it!!

As one of my fellow bloggers recently said in her blog; what comes first; the chicken or the egg; so what comes first; an episode then stress or stress then an episode!

I suppose it is all about trying real hard to identify my triggers and either avoiding them or negating them. But what if you have no triggers, or none that you can identify. Sometimes I just AM depressed, or I just AM manic. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to them. Sometimes they catch me completely unawares.

Yes a good diet and exercise are important and can help, but when I don’t have the energy some days to even get up out of bed, that’s exercise gone out the window for a while.

And what happens when I go on a major binge because of a craving for carbohydrates? There have been times when I physically can’t stop myself eating. Yes, I try not to buy crap and have it in the house in the first place, but I just find something else to eat. Compulsion is a powerful thing!

Now with more time on my hands, I find I am doing a lot more research on bi-polar than I have done for many years. And quite honestly it’s depressing! (no pun intended here!!!!). So perhaps it’s time to just get on with living my life instead of trying to fix myself. Just roll with each day and see what it will bring. I am all for self help, but when there appears to be so little still known about bi-polar it really pisses me off!!

What a difference a day makes.

What a difference a day makes….

Just 24 little hours:  that’s sometimes the difference for someone struggling with bi-polar between being on a swing and coming down or up from one!  The last few weeks have been hard, but after a good session with my Doc she’s tweaked my meds and I don’t feel so bad today at all.  They are obviously kicking in!  I’ve also had a good nights’ sleep and I had a great night out with friends last night that really helped lift my spirits.   This event was a press event and to be honest as Wednesday morning rolled around I wasn’t sure I would go.  It was a Gatsby themed Casino night so it entailed dressing up in 1920’s gear.   The thoughts of dressing up in anything other than my baggies, given my mood of the last few weeks, was a bit off-putting, but you know what, I made the effort.  It was a gargantuan endeavour; I’ve spent the last few weeks locking myself away from everyone and everything and the thought of socialising was really really daunting.  But with press events, you can’t really turn them down, not once you’ve accepted an invitation and they’ve organized overnight accommodation for you!!; the next invite might be not so forthcoming, so I got myself a flapper dress, a feather head piece, a boa and a long slim cigarette holder and plastered on my makeup.   The progeny shouted up the stairs “where’s the dinner”, “what are you doing”, where are you going”…. “what’s that on your head Ma”… to which I suitably answered, ‘dunno’, ‘nuthin’, ‘out’ and ‘do I not look okay then?’  My daughter very blasé said ‘Mam you always look lovely’…  Well I could have cried and crushed her in a hug, but I did neither, I scampered out the door in my flapper dress, went to the event, met up with some media contacts and had an absolute ball.  So what a difference a day makes…  Today is a Good Day!

Sometimes I don’t like my daughter!!

I know what you are all thinking as you read this, that I am a terrible mother to even think this never mind to write it, but you know what I’m not!

I am realistic enough to realise that at times she will do things that really annoy me and that’s okay!  She’s a typical teenager, no better or worse than any of her peers and typically at this time of her life she is the nucleus of the universe.  The sun shines for Her, the Moon comes up for Her, the birds sing only for Her.  Her brothers are there to torment her and her parents, well, we are there to spoil her fun and ruin her life…!!

If my daughter was a mythical creature, I would suggest she’d be a fire breathing dragon.  When asleep and calm she is wonderful, magical, beautiful, majestic;  when she is awake, she breathes fire, bringing destruction with her everywhere she goes and in her wake remains the shattered ruins of what was once our home!  Her fire devours everything in her path and if it’s not her eating everything she can find, it’s the pack of dragons she leads.  Yes my daughter is a born leader, proud, confident, somewhat dictatorial (but not in too bad a way – now I’m feeling rotten here….) but she can also be bossy, rude, sulky and ignorant…  And this is the person I don’t like at time. It’s the one, who whenever I say no, firstly tries to cajole or bargain or reason me into changing my mind.  When that doesn’t work, it’s the one who becomes petulant, spitting nails that’s not my favourite person in the world.

The one who starts a sentence with “You know how I love you…”, I adore, because she’s so transparent and I know she really does love me which lifts my soul and makes my spirit sing every day.   The one who asks if I’d like a hug when she knows I’ve had a bad day is the one I want to wrap up in my arms and never let go…The one in whom I can see so much promise and talent and capacity to be greater than she can ever imagine, she’s the one I love with all my heart.

But the one who doesn’t want to even lift her own clothes off the floor or tidy her room when she can’t even see the bed is the one that I’m not too fond of.    It’s the one that can really hurt me as her mother  by what she says when she means to hurt that I don’t like…  When she is a mother herself some-day, she will realise what it is to be shut out by your daughter, to be viewed as a nuisance and not as a loving parent, to be shouted at and told ‘I hate you’… (although she’s only said that once to be fair…  most of the time it’s a little less brutal..)  But you know what, while I may not like her at times, I’ve loved her since before she was born, and I’ll love her till I die.  And she will get through these years and come out the other side bursting with the promise I see in her every day.  I just hope the same can be said for me!!!!