If I disappeared, no-one would notice

If I disappeared, no one would notice; at least for a while, perhaps longer. They would notice things like no dinners made, no laundry washed, no house cleaned. They would notice things like cupboards bare, perhaps a bit more mess around the place. But they would not notice me gone; not until there was no food in the press, no clean clothes in the wardrobes and no towels picked off the bathroom floor. Things that they ‘needed’ from me.

My absence on facebook would go unobserved, undetected. The house, (my house) would be no less quiet than it is now, even though my voice would be gone. My voice has been gone for a while. I didn’t speak, except to answer questions asked of me for three days; and no one noticed. No one wondered where was my smile, no-one talked ‘to’ me – just at me, telling me of their busy days while mine is so empty, unfilled; devoid of hope, bereft of happiness.

My gmail would be filled with spam, unsolicited mail, but no correspondence of any worth or real meaning. My days are empty, except to do things for other people, my family; my husband, my children! But what if I were gone? What would be missed? The things that some stranger can come in and do – that is what would be missed most of all. The mundane housework, laundry and cooking that sucks the very life out of you if that is all you have to do!

If I were to disappear, what would happen to me? My children regularly say ‘I love you’, but it is almost like a muscle memory. They ask for things and finish by saying ‘I love you’, or they get their favourite dinner and say ‘oh, by the way I love you’. Were I in a better place, I would wonder at the casualness of that statement, the beauty in it, the sentiment behind it and I would rejoice that I have a beautiful family; were I in a better place.

My life holds no meaning at the moment. My days are empty, I feel as if I am a shell of myself, of who I once was. Conversation is hard, I am hard work. I had some really good friends, but I think my illness, my reticence sometimes has left me out in the cold with them. I am the one who chases up get togethers, I am the one who would push for meals out, and when I don’t do it, they don’t contact me, except to ‘like’ something I’ve put up on facebook, but that’s not contact. That’s not meaningful. There have been times when my comments about depression have prompted a “don’t you know I am there for you” response. But they aren’t. I am out in the cold. People give out about facebook and how it has stunted the real art of personal communication, but for me, at the moment, it is one of my only outlets; that spying on others pages, that leaving the occasional ‘like’ or comment on someone else’s busy life up there on the web for all to see. But it also makes me realize how empty and lonely my life has become. How utterly useless and alone I feel.

I’ve often wondered at the families of people who have taken their own life and the sentiment they express; “I didn’t notice anything, I didn’t see their depression”. I often wondered how that could be so – that you don’t see someone elses pain and suffering, when its right there in front of you day after day. But I know now, I will never wonder at that again… I am in pain, I am suffering and yet, I am not seen.
I am not seen.
Would my loss mean anything to others?
My loss would mean something, an interruption to daily life for a while, but I am replaceable. I am a shell, I am not seen.. I am invisible, useless, in pain.

12 Comments

Filed under bi-polar, depression, depressive episodes, family and relationships, Life and Health, Mania, relationships

12 responses to “If I disappeared, no-one would notice

  1. Andrew

    reality exists only where mind creates a focus on! Good things are in you! Look at them and let others realize them!

    Like

    • Placid's Place

      I appreciate the sentiment Andrew, but its hard to look for good things inside you when you see nothing there. When you feel so alone that you think there IS nothing good inside you, outside you or around you. that your presence will not be missed, that you are fading into insignificance and no one else sees or cares and worst of all neither do you. I am at that place. I am that person. I am in my own reality where nothing matters because I don’t matter.

      Like

      • Andrew

        Would you like to see differently? Please understand that there is difference between what you see and what is truth? I wish my book would be out already because i believe that would change your thoughts about what you shared. By the way… the very fact you share it – is evidence that something in you is good!

        Like

  2. Im sorry you feel this way, mental illness is a terrible thing and its so hard when you feel taken for granted. I truly hope things get better for you. I’m sure the people that tell you they love you, do mean it, even if they say it at specific times. I think we are all a little guilty of only saying things like that in a robotic way. It’s a shame. Keep blogging, your work is inspiring me to keep pushing forward.

    Like

    • Placid's Place

      Its not that they say things in a robotic way, its that I feel I’ve disappeared, and instead of who I am, there is just this ‘shell’, this carcas, this mess of dark thoughts and despair. I’ve been down this road for so long now, sometimes it feels like its not worth the fight any more. No matter what you do, or don’t do, no matter the meds you take, or don’t take, you end up in the same place over and over again…. I’ve struggled with depression for twenty years and I am just so damn tired……

      Liked by 1 person

      • Depression is exhausting, and I completely understand how you feel sometimes it’s hard to know what to do. Being stuck in a dark place is hard, but what I find is the moments that I get out of the dark place and see the true beauty of the world, even if only for a minute help me realise there are some great things around. Even if I can’t see them all the time. 🙂

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  3. MONIQUE WILLIAMS

    You would be missed!!!! You Do Matter!!! Your depression is telling you horrible lies…….even though it is very hard to see right now…….there is light at the end of the very long dark tunnel.

    Please……Please call someone……anyone…….friend, preacher, doctor a hotline……Anyone!!!!!

    You Matter!!!!!

    Date: Wed, 3 Sep 2014 08:13:36 +0000 To: mwilliams21@hotmail.com

    Like

    • Placid's Place

      hey Monique, thanks for your words. I had a real crisis this morning and while I am far from in the clear, at least I won’t do anything stupid. Thank you for forcing me to pick up the phone and talk to someone….

      Like

  4. Kimberly

    I understand! I understand!

    Like

  5. Alwin

    Are you still there? Your words float at the same density I feel emotionally. It feels like other people are up there and we observe them and no one really knows we exist untill they realise they no longer float on our surface. But they figure that they can float on another much denser surface so it doesnt matter anyway.

    They say words and advocate for suicide but tells me ‘I dont know what to do, so I left you alone’. They wait for me to reach out to them, spent energy I dont have to visit them and get in touch. Eventually forgetting I visited them anyway.

    Your words carry a similar weight to my life.

    Like

  6. Jenny

    I’m sorry you feel this pain. You have taken every thought in my head and put it down for all to see. I think you are strong abrave and eloquent. I’m sorry and I hope you were found before you disappeared x

    Like

    • Placid's Place

      Hey Jenny, I saw your response to my post yesterday. I wrote this at a time I was in real crisis. I stayed there for a year. I was in a deep dark hole that I never thought I’d be able to crawl up from – but I did. I am in a much better place now and what that means for you is that this too shall pass. It took a huge amount of courage for me to keep going – but I did. And it passed. I feel better, stronger! I made all my family aware of how I had felt, and they were aghast at it. They didn’t realise how disconnected I felt and since then, we have grown closer, more watchful of each other, more caring when someone is struggling. You too should speak of how you feel. Don’t be like me and wait till I am so far down the black hole, that I don’t know how to get out or how to get help from others – speak out, shout out. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. And if you feel as I do, believe me, you would be missed if you were gone.

      Like

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