Okay, so last Sunday I had a massive melt down. I mean stomp on the ground, ball up my fists, slam doors, scream at the top of my lungs meltdown.
I didn’t really see it coming and I certainly was not prepared for the severity of the feelings. I wanted to hurt something, I wanted to wreck a room, I wanted to hit someone, such was my rage. I can only describe it as pure rage; anything else would be to do it an injustice. It took every ounce of my being, every last shred of self control I had in me to not hurt myself or someone else, to not trash my bedroom, or my living room. Every single ounce I had. And then it left me spent. I had barely enough energy to get out of bed for the next few days. I’ve often described my life as a rollercoaster and this is how I can aptly explain what it felt like. The rage didn’t increase slowly over a few days, it was like I was catapulted out on a bad ride without warning, without buildup. All of a sudden I was in it, And I did something I’ve not done in the way way way long time. I drank. I drank to calm myself down, to numb the anger in my brain. It’s been a long time since I had to calm myself down this way; years really, it could even be a decade. But it was that, or pace around the room breaking whatever was in my path. It would have happened. I wanted the feeling to stop and the only way of doing that was to release it, or stop it in its tracks. Had my daughter not been in the house, it could have been worse. It was sparked off my an argument between hubby and daughter, but my reaction was way over the top. My reaction put their argument to bed fairly quickly. And then they all left; and I was in the house alone.
I had to phone my daughter later and tell her to get home quickly. I needed someone in the house to ‘stay my hand’ so to speak! And when the drink too effect, I was utterly spent.
The next few days were horrendous. I had to drag myself around the house and do what needs to be done in a house with really five adults. My kids are grown now, and really they should take on more responsibility, but its’ my fault they don’t. I still think I’m superwoman at times and take on everything when I should delegate; for their sake as well as mine.
And today I woke up with tons of energy, so the bathrooms have been cleaned; I mean they are gleaming! Three loads of washing are done and on the line drying, the sitting room and kitchen are spotless, not a speck of dust anywhere, the floors have been polished, the rugs hovered, the fireplace brass reflects my face and I’m only up three hours. Welcome to the world of a bi-polar rapid cycler.
This I recognize. This energy that makes me so productive, hello!! I remember you!!
I’m definitely swinging here.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the next few days or weeks, because I’m not sure if I’m heading down, or heading back up again!!
It must be so hard to live with someone like me. Perhaps that’s too hard; it must be hard to live with someone who struggles with this illness.
Believe me, its not pleasant ‘living it’ either; but being on the receiving end of tantrums and outbursts and then having to pick up the pieces when I’m so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed?
Gosh it must be hard.
And I don’t tell hubby enough how much I love him and how much I value and appreciate his support.
That’s my mission when he gets home.
To tell him how loved he is.
That might make up somewhat for screaming my head off at him on Sunday!
What a rollercoaster ride this life is, and you never even know what each day is going to bring.