Tag Archives: relationships

Those Crazy Calm days are ‘Mad’.

calm

Okay, so last Sunday I had a massive melt down. I mean stomp on the ground, ball up my fists, slam doors, scream at the top of my lungs meltdown.

I didn’t really see it coming and I certainly was not prepared for the severity of the feelings. I wanted to hurt something, I wanted to wreck a room, I wanted to hit someone, such was my rage. I can only describe it as pure rage; anything else would be to do it an injustice. It took every ounce of my being, every last shred of self control I had in me to not hurt myself or someone else, to not trash my bedroom, or my living room. Every single ounce I had. And then it left me spent. I had barely enough energy to get out of bed for the next few days. I’ve often described my life as a rollercoaster and this is how I can aptly explain what it felt like. The rage didn’t increase slowly over a few days, it was like I was catapulted out on a bad ride without warning, without buildup. All of a sudden I was in it, And I did something I’ve not done in the way way way long time. I drank. I drank to calm myself down, to numb the anger in my brain. It’s been a long time since I had to calm myself down this way; years really, it could even be a decade. But it was that, or pace around the room breaking whatever was in my path. It would have happened. I wanted the feeling to stop and the only way of doing that was to release it, or stop it in its tracks. Had my daughter not been in the house, it could have been worse. It was sparked off my an argument between hubby and daughter, but my reaction was way over the top.  My reaction put their argument to bed fairly quickly.  And then they all left; and I was in the house alone.

 I had to phone my daughter later and tell her to get home quickly. I needed someone in the house to ‘stay my hand’ so to speak! And when the drink too effect, I was utterly spent.

The next few days were horrendous. I had to drag myself around the house and do what needs to be done in a house with really five adults. My kids are grown now, and really they should take on more responsibility, but its’ my fault they don’t. I still think I’m superwoman at times and take on everything when I should delegate; for their sake as well as mine.

And today I woke up with tons of energy, so the bathrooms have been cleaned; I mean they are gleaming! Three loads of washing are done and on the line drying, the sitting room and kitchen are spotless, not a speck of dust anywhere, the floors have been polished, the rugs hovered, the fireplace brass reflects my face and I’m only up three hours. Welcome to the world of a bi-polar rapid cycler.

This I recognize. This energy that makes me so productive, hello!! I remember you!!

I’m definitely swinging here.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the next few days or weeks, because I’m not sure if I’m heading down, or heading back up again!!

It must be so hard to live with someone like me. Perhaps that’s too hard; it must be hard to live with someone who struggles with this illness.

Believe me, its not pleasant ‘living it’ either; but being on the receiving end of tantrums and outbursts and then having to pick up the pieces when I’m so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed?

Gosh it must be hard.

And I don’t tell hubby enough how much I love him and how much I value and appreciate his support.

That’s my mission when he gets home.

To tell him how loved he is.

That might make up somewhat for screaming my head off at him on Sunday!

What a rollercoaster ride this life is, and you never even know what each day is going to bring.

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Filed under anger, bi-polar, depression, depressive episodes, family and relationships, hypomania, Life and Health, Mania, relationships

No man is an island…. but sometimes!!

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For my school exams in my final year, I had to write an essay on the novel Silas Marner, titled ‘No man is an island’; discuss…

I had read the book inside and out, upside and down and felt at the mere age of 18 I knew everything; that I was a champion of the world, that at 18, I knew all there was to know and pretty much acted that way.  Gosh, when I look back now, I realize how absurd that confidence was, given how little I knew of life and the curveballs it can throw at you.

That essay however has stuck with me during good and bad times, because what I did know even then (though only in some small way) is that none of us are alone; no matter how much we may think otherwise.

Our lives impact the people around us in ways we cannot comprehend when we are that young and the older we get, the more of an impact our presence or absence can have on those around us.  (Philosophical lesson over!)

I have a friend, (I love her to bits) who has seen me through my fair share of dark days and endless weeks, when I have felt nothing but emptiness.  She has given to me without a thought of receiving anything back.  Through some of her darkest days though, I have been there to wipe away her tears, to hold her and assure her everything would be okay, even though I hadn’t a clue if that was actually the truth.

But!

(And there’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there:  otherwise life would just be boring!!)

At this point in her life she is happy.  However, some time back when times weren’t as good, she underwent cognitive therapy and thinks it is the best thing since sliced bread.   It doesn’t work for me!   But she espouses the virtue of this each time I mention a dark day or moment, or fleeting thought.  I have talked to her about things I’ve not spoken to most other people about; but when I ask for advice, what has happened before all gets spewed back at me as if it was some kind of viscous vomit.  Her intention is not to hurt, and I know that, but having a constant reminder of how things ‘were’ instead of how things ‘now are’ is not very soothing for my spirit.

The problem, the big ‘But’ in the room is I have told her this, and yet…. And yet….  my past experiences continue to become a ‘present day’ incident in her mind, irrespective of the now!  She wants to be my balm.  So what happens when you don’t need consolation and yet it is thrust upon you?  This is my dilemma.  For the most part I hold my own, for the most part I love her company, for the most part I can tell her most things with the complete confidence it goes no further.

But!

I also don’t want to be reminded of those times when life wasn’t good.

Imagine a champion jockey constantly being reminded of the races he lost, or a fighter being reminded of the times he was knocked out, irrespective of the times they have won –or their present circumstances?  No man is an island!  Where would we be without friends?  But sometimes, I want to be on an island, or at least have my present cheerfulness celebrated as much as my past miseries.

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Do You have to Love Your Family?

I came across a blog recently while surfing, by lauraauthor.com titled ‘Family’ (check it out people…).  The blog about her family and what it means to her was interesting.  I can’t say I agree with her sentiments, because I don’t – actually not in the slightest.  Her assertion that she needed to prove herself constantly to her parents and sibling was alien to me.   Here’s her final comment, just in case you don’t have the time to check the whole blog out, (which would be a pity however):

To me, this is family. Family is about proving myself. Not proving that I am one of us but rather proving that I am a capable independent and don’t “need” them. Perhaps that sounds harsh. But it’s how I’ve been raised and learned to think. Toughen up–or you won’t make it in this cold world.

For me, family is ‘about’ lots of things.  It is a shared background, a shared upbringing that means I don’t have to explain my opinions or myself.  It is about a deep sense of belonging to something bigger than myself, of me being part of a whole and that ‘whole’ is my family unit.  It’s also about responsibility towards others; my siblings and my parents, to be the best person I can be, not only for me, but for our unit also.  Yes, I want to be independent and capable of standing on my own, yes it’s important to be an independent thinker and accomplished in this life as I do agree it is a tough world out there.  But I view it from a different perspective; I feel that I don’t ‘have’ to do it alone because I am not alone.  My family offers me unconditional love and support.  My sisters and brothers want to spend time with me when they can.  I am not a person they ‘put up with’, or see because it is expected and we’re family and vice versa.  My relationship with my siblings and my parents is borne from actually liking each other and wanting to spend time getting to know the adult individual when we’ve known and grown up with the ‘child’ sibling for so long.  Even in saying that, I am twelve years younger than my oldest brother and his experiences of our family and my parents is vastly different to mine.   It is that shared history, yet shared ‘difference’ that is exciting and challenging and in our case bonding.   And for that I am truly grateful.

It’s funny that I found this particular blog after just returning from Australia where I have spent the last few weeks visiting my sister and two of my three brothers.  This always makes me very introspective because I only get to see them once a year.  Even in that, I am extremely lucky! I miss them terribly throughout the year but especially after I’ve just come home because I know it’ll be at least a year before I see them again.   In the past, festive holidays used to be spent crammed around my parents table where I and all my siblings and their spouses or partners and children would spend the day lapping up each others company and usually playing card or board games into the wee hours of the night.   Now however, with only one sister still in Ireland, we don’t quite ‘rattle’ around my parents’ table but we’re not far off.

Having said all that, distance is a great motivator too.  It means for three weeks of the year, I get to see the best of my siblings; there are no fights, no issues, just harmony and cohesion.  Its amazing what I learn each time I visit them.  As each of them heads what seems ever faster towards middle age, I see them in a light I may not have were they still here in Ireland.  We may all have taken each other for granted, we may have seen each other only rarely, but I don’t ever envisage us not getting along.  We are one of those families where each child stays part of the family; mind you we are far from children now.  Do we all seem similar? – Yes.  Are we boring? Oh, far from it.  In her blog, Laura said that when it comes to family, if someone uses the word love, is it because of the blood relation and innocent memories? To me, family is something to be grateful for but it is also an exchange.  For Laura the exchange was about ensuring they knew she could stand on her own two feet.  For me, family is knowing I can stand on my own two feet but because I am part of a family, it is also the very gratifying knowledge that I don’t have to!

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